Nabiilah Tjandra

Thank you for staying with me, even when it would've been easier to leave. I know I always don't show it enough, but I appreciate everything you do. Thank you for sitting in silence with me even when I didn't want to talk. I am sorry for the days I made you feel unseen and unappreciated. I know it hard, but thanks for accepting my less. I am proud of everything you've achieved. I am proud of us for not giving up. -n

Sometimes, when I feel lonely, I look over and over again at the pictures on my phone while listening to some music, pictures of you and of us. Some of them still carry remnants of our memories in every place we went. I have a bunch of selfies you sent me, the ones that make me giggle and forget my worries and problems. There are pictures of you captured on my phone. And pictures of us, hugging, taking selfies, on motorbikes, in cars, in different places. While pictures are only quiet images, still and sometimes blurry. But the memories we created were not. Scrolling through them makes my day, even when we fight, even when you go missing or leave my messages unread. You are loved. You always are. Loving you is a privilege, and being loved by you is something I’m grateful for. I love your name. I love having it in my albums. You need to know that your name is the most beautiful name I’ve ever known, and I’m always happy to say it. I love that your hair has been curly since the moment we...

Cinta waktu dewasa nggak selalu terasa manis. Justru kadang penuh ruang hening dan batas sehat.  Ada jeda untuk bernapas, ada jarak untuk tetap menjadi diri sendiri. Nggak selalu ada kata-kata indah, tapi ada kesadaran untuk tetap saling menjaga.  Cinta saat ini nggak terburu-buru untuk memiliki, tetapi sabar untuk memahami. Nggak maksa untuk selalu dekat, tetapi hadir ketika dibutuhkan. Dan meski nggak selalu hangat, ia tetap memilih untuk tetap ada, dengan cara yang lebih matang, lebih tenang, dan lebih tulus

Runtutan kepergian orang-orang terdekat akhir-akhir ini membuatku sadar bahwa satu-satunya kepastian di dunia ini adalah kita semua akan mati. Kita akan terurai, lalu perlahan dilupakan. — sebuah renungan sunyi, bukan doktrin keagamaan . Di dunia ini tidak ada salahnya mengejar apa yang kita mau. Karier, kekayaan, pencapaian, bahkan orang-orang yang kita kasihi. Semua itu memang untuk diraih, dimiliki, dipamerkan, dibanggakan. Namun, ada hari-hari aku bahagia. Ada hari aku optimis. Ada pula hari aku bingung dengan arah hidup.  Namun setelah semua itu, aku sadar: hampir tidak pernah ada hari di mana aku benar-benar takut akan mati. Padahal sesekali, rasa takut itu muncul. Tentang apa yang terjadi setelahnya. Tentang tanah, langit, ruang yang tak terlihat. Tentang hidup setelah mati yang dulu sering diceritakan waktu kecil, ketika berangkat TPQ setiap sore. Tentang takdir yang tidak bisa kulawan—dan bagaimana melawannya pun aku tak punya gambaran. Mungkinkah aku suatu hari berkata,...

When I was younger, I imagined my twenties would be filled with adventure, spontaneous trips, long conversations under city lights, and people who would always stay. I thought I’d have it all figured out by now: my career, my relationships, my place in the world. I wasn’t completely wrong, but I wasn’t completely right either. Being 23 feels like standing on shattered ground, everything you’ve ever known begins to crack, and you have no choice but to move forward, even when you don’t know what’s waiting on the other side. No one warns you how confusing it feels when life quietly shifts. People start their own journeys; some move away, some get too busy, and some just fade from your story. Suddenly, the people who used to be a constant part of your days are just familiar names in your contact list. And you realize: it’s not because anyone stopped caring, it’s because everyone’s trying to figure out their own chaos too. At 23, loneliness feels like a quiet companion. It visits you on...