Nabiilah Tjandra

him, to whom I would lay my head on him, to whom I would pick a flower for him, to whom I would rest my worries upon him, to whom I would write my every poem and him, to whom I would give my love — only my love -n

Your eyes tell me that you will love me everyday. -n 

Maybe in another life, I finally have a heart to say this: There’s something I need to say with honesty, and I hope you read this with an open heart. I’ve told you many times that when I’m sad, I don’t need solutions or jokes. I need presence. I need you to stay, to sit with me, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when I’m not ready to talk yet. I needed you to hold space for me — not with distance, but with patience and emotional safety. But what I kept getting was avoidance. You disappeared when I needed you most. You escaped instead of staying. And every time that happened, it made me feel like I wasn’t worth holding through sadness. This isn’t about who’s right or wrong. It’s about what I need in a partner — someone who can stay through the hard feelings, someone who won’t leave me alone when I’m already low. I love you. I probably always will in some way. But I can’t keep asking for the same thing over and over, only to be met with silence or detachment. I need peace. I need consis...

I wish I have the heart to say  "There’s something going on with my mom. It’s hard. I’m not ready to talk about all the details yet, but I just need you to stay close to me right now, okay?" But I don't want to take your joy as a price of my sadness. You need to go on, go forward, do not see behind.

Sometimes love is bumpy. Sometimes people can change. Sometimes staying is not about blind hope — it’s about trying one more time to see if you can meet each other better next time.

You love him. You miss him. You fight. You don’t feel met. You wonder if you can live with this. You try again. You end up here. But, love aren't supposed to make you feel emotionally lonely this often.